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24 October 2008 @ 02:15 am
Ever wonder how ridiculous some reasons for break-ups are? I mean, there are some "good" reasons, if you can call them that, for breaking up with someone. Not compatible, too big of differences, etc. But there are ridiculous ones, take for example the one my boyfriend... well, sort of ex, now... just used on me earlier: I don't want to feel awkward with my graduating class events when I'm without a date. We've been dating for about 2 and a half months, and we are currently, with the location of my college, 2,132 miles away... but for as much as I'd always ask him if that was ever a problem and how I longed for him, he'd always reassure me of his love and say that it didn't matter because he'd get to me eventually. Along with that, I always told him if he ever needed a break or wanted to break up or stop anything, for him to just tell me and it would happen. Well it happened.... He just got back from his graduation cruise and seemed down. I asked him about it and he said he was just pondering. I asked about what but said he didn't have to tell me, I just didn't want to see him upset. He said about us... and that struck me... it was out of nowhere. I asked why and he said that he's been thinking... should we stay friends or stay together. He said that on the cruise he felt really awkward cause everyone had dates... and he didn't cause as forementioned, we're too far apart. After that, it took me a minute because I was frozen speechless, but I asked if that meant that he wanted a break. He said yeah that would be best. He said he didn't know how long... that for now we were on break, but it could lead to being over for good, but maybe not... that it might take a few weeks. Of course, I said, "As you wish" because that's all I ever want. I love him so and only want him to be happy, so I'll do anything he asks. And now I'm so hurt and heart-broken... there's a glimmer of hope... I know he still loves me for he said so himself... and I hope and pray to God that he might realize it... until then... I'm afraid I'll be alone wallowing in my sadness and brokenness for awhile... all without him knowing... of course....
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
06 September 2008 @ 01:02 am
Yes, I did title this after that song by Within Temptation ( www.youtube.com/watch amazing please watch and become a fan like I am!) just cause I feel so happy and filled right now, after talking to my Monkey.
     Well, we were just talking for awhile, and he just went to bed, the poor dear was tired from who-knows-what, and I kept holding back the tears that just kept threatening to come through. Basically, and I know that so many girls will say this is a line and stuff... but it's different when he says it. He said that I'm perfect when I asked him what to change, and he was so happy when I decided to learn more about one of his favorite hobbies. Also, we talked about when we fell in love with each other and then he was joking about how he can now tell his friend's he's with his first Latina and I replyed "hopefully your last too" and he said the most beautiful thing, which is an edited version of a well-known quote: if my one wish is granted, it will be waking up and feeling you breathe down my neck as the summer sun creeps over the window edge as we lay in bed in each others arms.
     I love my Monkey. I it hasn't been that long, but it already feels different from other relationships. I hope that this is it... he's the one... cause I really don't think I could find anyone better... ever...

Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: All I Need - Within Temptation
03 September 2008 @ 05:04 pm
All right, so I'm here just freewriting cause I have a thesis due tomorrow and I have nothing to say about anything cause I have no idea what to write about so here's my simple rambling of right now... Okay well, right now I'm listening to Within Temptation on Youtube... they're such an awesome band and I have no idea what genre they even are considered cause I've heard of so many things that they can be, but I really don't know. Well, whatever they are, they are awesome. My favorite song by them is by far "Angels". It speaks to me about my exboyfriend whom I still love. There's a part there that says "Fallen Angel" and that's what my ex, Zell used to call himself (though I think he probably still considers himself as such) but I gave him that song one day, cause we're still such good friends, and I liked it, not even really thinking of the meaning behind it, nor the first reason why I liked it, which is the fact that it reminds me of him and his betrayal, though it's technically not a betrayal. I believe it's more of a misunderstanding, but I call it my betrayal cause of the fact of something I knew all along that he didn't love me as much as he loved my best friend. Okay here's the entire story: My best friend, CD had gotten herself grounded and so she asked that I explain this to her friend Zell and so I found him on my MSN and told him about it. Well, we actually hit it off very well and it was then that I learned that he lived in New Jersey. She had met him online, but he seemed nice and to prove he was real, I made him turn on his webcam at random time and stuff and saw him and then a bit later, we exchanged phone numbers. Well, a couple months later, I met this guy on a role-playing forum, his username was Reiji and I found out he lived in the Phillipines. It was all so confusing for me cause I was head over heels for Reiji, but I also liked Zell, but to balance it out, I thought about the difference in distances between each of them and me. Though I *definately* liked Reiji more than Zell, the whole across-the-ocean thing kinda was hard on my thoughts. But anyways, I thought that me and Reiji were definately hitting it off.

Okay, now I know what my thesis is: Long Distance Relationships versus home relatiionships. But I think that know I'll continue with my story cause I just feel like getting out of the way cause I just need to get it off my chest and onto something that I can see always and look back on now.

Back to the story: Me and Reiji were *definately* hitting it off, but I still didn't know his feelings, cause he always talked about how much he still loved my friend Raven (who was his ex who was at the time and still now dating someone) and stuff. I mean, I thought he really liked me, but I couldn't be sure. Well, one weekend, I had decided that I was going to tell him my feelings. But I couldn't get ahold of him. Then something happened that ended up throwing my world upside-down. Zell asked me out. At this time, he had moved to Georgia. I was kinda awestruck and I *did* like Zell, and I couldn't get ahold of Reiji so I didn't know his feelings, so I said yes to Zell. I told Reiji and he seemed to be happy for me and I felt like I was walking on clouds for a month and a half. Then came the break-up. I was tired of Zell and my Christianity not mixing well. It had gotten us into a few arguments and such so after I'd come back from my youth camp, I broke it off. I was devestated cause I had really loved him. Well, it ended up that when I started talking to Reiji and Raven again, I found out that he had several girls he was interested in. It broke my heart to give him advice for how to act around those girls and encouraging him, cause it wasn't me that he was after. I realized that I still loved Reiji, in fact I did all along. At this time, Zell and I were fighting, I had yelled at him, saying he never loved me and he only ever loved Christy, he always loved her more than me, which he had denied. Well, I found out all in one week that not only was I half right about Zell loving Christy more (he said that though he did love me, he realized after I said it that I was right, he did love Christy more than me, but he assured me he'd never take back the time we had dated) but around the time I had said yes to Zell, before I'd talked to Reiji, he had decided to tell me his feelings of how much he cared for me. Then after he found out about me and Zell, he decided to force himself to think of me only as a friend. I found all this out through Raven, cause I asked her to ask him about it, cause he kept avoiding the hints and questions and I wanted answers. I lost the one I loved the most to the one I had only liked, though it had turned to love later. I got depressed and severely detatched from the world, wanting to go back to my suicidal and self-destructive way, but I managed to save myself from the majority of it by thinking of my love for both of them and how much it would hurt them if they knew, and it hurt me to think of such things, so I stopped myself.
     After that, I tried to act normal around Reiji, but I couldn't. I just couldn't stand the crushing feeling of my heart being stabbed and ripped out painfully with every thought of him, let alone actually talking to him or sitting at my computer just waiting for him to get online, then crying while I'm talking to him and after we get offline, him never knowing. Finally, he had this girlfriend whom he just adored, France was her name. From everything he said, I could tell how perfect she was, she was everything I was not.... everything he deserved. And I tried to be happy for him, I really did, but it became too much, the pain that had coarsed through me was intensified, knowing his love was all for her (and Raven, whom he still loved, but was slowly getting over, though still not completely). I decided that if I was to save any bit of happiness, I had to stop talking to him, thinking about him, being a friend... So I talked to him about it and he said that if that's what I'd want, he'd respect it. So a few days before his birthday, I "ended" our friendship. The depression that happened after was so strong, I ended up blacking out once at night crying so hard over it and when I snapped out of it, I'd cut myself several times. I honestly don't remember doing it at all... I remember feeling so depressed and worthless and alone and next thing, I felt nothing, I didn't even feel the pain of the cuts, all I saw was the red lines. I got so scared after that. I ended it. That was it. No matter how depressed I felt, I could not risk losing my life and hurting anyone from it, especially not Reiji or Zell.
     Well, I ended up feeling a bit better over it, though it took me a few weeks to pull myself out of the depression and I started talking to CD and telling her how my feelings for Zell had cropped back up as my depression over Reiji waned. I started talking about wanting to get back together with him. Well, I talked to Zell and he told me about how much he loved CD, even though she and I had been telling him for over a year that she only thought of him as a friend, maybe friends-with-benefits, but nothing more, ever; he said I deserved better, someone who loved me first and not less than someone else. I kept trying for about  a month and finally decided to back off, cause it didn't seem like it was working.
     A few weeks ago, I was sleeping over CD's house and I was going through her phone answering her texts for her, and I came across a couple that were really heart-wrenching "How many times have I told you I love you - Let's add one more to that, I love you" and blah blah blah... I started crying all night at random times, being quiet and sad all the while. A bit after that, I told him that I couldn't take it, I wanted out of our friendship like I got out of mine and Reiji's friendship. He refused, saying that he'd rather know he'd never have a chance with CD than losing our friendship. So we worked through it and we stayed friends. He also told me to give Monkey a chance. Cause a few days before that big discussion, Monkey had asked me out and he was really sweet and it wasn't that I didn't like him, I just like Zell a lot. But at Zell's insistence, I decided that I did need someone who liked me for me, like Monkey had said... he said that I was the most beautiful girl in the world, prettier than CD which no one had ever told me before. I thought that I should try it, even though it was another long distance (he lives in Canada) and so I said yes and we started dating.
     I can't tell you how much I love my Monkey Drug King (lol, his full nickname) and how happy he makes me. He did drop a bomb on me the other day saying that he wanted to go to college in Canada, furthering the distance for another 5 years, as he's a little less than a year younger than me. But though we don't know what to do about it yet, we both know that we don't want to let each other go.
    Yesterday, I contacted Reiji for the first time and told him that I'd like to talk to him again. He contacted me back and told me a couple things about how to get ahold of him. And the entire time I waited for him to respond and even now, I feel so sad and detatched. When my Monkey is here with me, it's not so bad, but when he's not, I feel so alone again. I know that I still love Reiji, and actually right after I contacted him, I realized that Monkey reminds me somewhat of him, I didn't realize it until just then though, but it still helped a bit. But, still, my tears haven't quite stopped, they delay a bit so I can get out of sight of people so I can cry in peace. I still love him, and I still like Zell, and I'm in love with Monkey... it's all so confusing and I feel so inadequate for my Monkey now that I know how I still feel about my ex and my past wish-he-was-mine... I just don't know what to do about it...
    Well, I think that's it, if there's anymore I'll be sure to post it eventually heh.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed